Ive no idea why Im posting this on here to be honest... I just need to get it out to people that i talk to but don't really know me personally and Ive seen and commented on life changing events on these forums. Im devastated and confused so please excuse me if this is a garbled mess. After 11 years together, my wife has said she is not happy and wants to separate! my world has collapsed. I was married before but this time she was a keeper, so much so that we had a son (who is now 9). I never dreamed this would happen. We did have troubles before (8 months ago) No cheating or anything, but she said some valid points and so did I. We both made a real effort, we really did (we have a son to consider its not just us). I thought we were on course for eternity, we moved house had a holiday (first in 8 years) and really made an effort to sort our finances out. It was going well. But on Friday she delivered the sentence that destroys! she still doesn't feel the same as she did before and as hard as it will be she wants separation. We are both very emotional and telling our son was the worst feeling I have ever felt. I am still in the family at present but am searching high and low for somewhere close and affordable so my son doesn't suffer. I have no idea if a bedsit room would be good, maybe I could then sort out the arrears and outstanding credit for the future...but Im worried it would seem like a prison sentence? coupled with losing my son Im worried Ill struggle (being too pessimistic and down was one of the issues 8 months ago! Or would a finance crippling rented flat that my son could come to be better? It would mean i keep my debts and arrears but would have a space to live/mope in. Thanks for reading, I just had to talk and can't tell me old parents yet.
Sorry to hear that mate. Sorry I can't help really but I think ur boy would want to come stay with his dad
your so right! he's already asking if he will be able to see me when ever he wants....hes convinced ill rent a house on the same estate! way to expensive as we got lucky with housing association. cheers tho
Feel for you Zip old lad not really much you can say,but life does go on the world aint gonna stop turning you gotta dust yourself down an try and remain positive and keep upbeat by saying this aint gonna beat me.Without being too nosey why should you be the one who has to move out shes the one who instigated the separation,can you not move back in with your parents whilst you get yourself sorted and the company will be beneficial yhats what I did so im speaking from experience,ended up closer to my parents than ever! Have you any single mates you can share with? I don't know what you earn but I should imagine its the accomadation costs that's gonna be the killer so sharing/parents seems a way forward short term at least. Good luck and you've still got your forum buddies....chin up.
Really sorry to hear your news and life must feel like hell atm. Although it does not help, many of us have been through it and have come out through the other side. I have had some times where it has felt like I just want to give up but somehow have managed through. It is such a hard thing, especially where kids are involved and it is good you are thinking about how and where ypou will spend time with your son. Living together when things are bad is not good for any of you. Finding somewhere affordable can be difficult and it is hard to focus when emotions are so high. If you can find somewhere to stay in the short time like family or friend it might give you a little time to find somewhere on a more permanent basis. Even a couple of weeks would help. I lived in a bedsit following one of my break ups and it did not suit me but then we are all different. If you can manage it, pehaps try and rent a one bed flat short term, you and your son can either sleep in the same room or get a bed settee/futon and you will have your own space and privacy. As to the finances, I would recommend getting some professional debt advice, there are probably quite a few options and it is never as hopeless as it may seem. It may seem like the end of the world mate, but it isn't, life goes on and there will be a time when everything freels good again, hang in there. I wish you luck and hope you get sorted out as best as you can, it takes time but you will get there. Nige
I did consider this I know they would have me for sure and so would my true mate. but both are 60 mile away which would make one hell of a daily commute on the bike? Thanks tho mate, its so good to chat to people...been like a pressure cooker past few days
sorry to read this zip, i,ve no experience in this scenario but hope you get sorted and keep the strong bond with your lad. hope it all works out for you buddy
Dude I'm so sorry for you. Only advice I can give you is if it's definitely over try to keep it as amicable as you can because the most important thing in your life will be your son. My partner's son has recently gone through this but he's a bit of a hothead and handled it dreadfully! She calls all the shots and dictates when he can and can't see his kids in a bid to get back at him..........the worst part is, the law is on her side and he can't do anything about it! I think the initial shock of the break-up is heart-breaking but it will get easier mate, forget the bike (yes I said that!) and concentrate on your son, try to get out as much as possible and surround yourself with your friends. In time you'll become more comfortable with yourself and your life will come back to you, including your passion for bikes. Take it easy mate, it'll work out for you.
Hey mate, you have a pm with my number. These guys were great when I needed them and gave me some great advice. Best advice I can give you is talk to everyone, don't be afraid to unload if you need to. Keep your temper in check and stay off the hard booze. Loads of info on the internet and go and see Citizen's Advice Bureau. Have you considered renting a mobile home? Should be cheaper than a house and maybe some deals over the winter. I am having to sell my house to recover my finances and am also considering a mobile home. Gimme a bell for a chat anytime!!!
Also very sorry to hear this .The main thing first of all is to accept it ,and then both of you work together to end it without any further stresses on all of you and that's the key! This allows that little bit of thinking space to be used for positive reasons instead of all your energy going into battle because the only winner will be the solicitor .Try to get a house share but with decent people as if you end up in a bedsit and its full of riff raff then this will add to your ongoing issues. Don't start taking out loans to spoil the boy ,kids are real resilient and will get though it they always do.Dont go down the pan health wise either so eat the best you can within your budget as without health and work you are finished Aldi / Lidil are a source of good decent food this ensures the mind and body is sharp which in turn will help you in the coming months .Also don't start panicking about Xmas its only a day and everyone will understand .Hope this doesn't sound too harsh but it's all about survival ( For all). Kind regards Mike.
I can't add to the advice already given chuck , it is always darkest before the dawn . Once you get past the overwhelming feelings you have right now you will see a way forward . I too have been there right where you are now . It seemed to me like there was no way out so I cleared off to friends in London till I could cope . I appreciate that the commute would be a pain but also it could give you time to sort your head out . My thoughts are with you at this time x
Dont think theres many that havent been in ur position dude, few yrs ago i gave up everything n moved to scotland to live after meeting sum1 up there, 2 yrs later she dealth the killer blow and i was living in the sticks, not knowing another sole n for sure used to sit at home every night gerring meself down n thinking life was over. For sure it is not!! I sold the house, moved back in with me folks and started from scratch again, found meself a well paid job, sorted out me finances and met sum1 wonderful. Loads of good advice from people before me, but there are house share websites, only downside is ur bedroom is the only private space, local authorities / councils have 1 / 2 bed flTs that they will rent out to single folks, so get yrself registered as soon as possible, 2nd hand furniture can be picked up off ebay, bargain pages or even freecycle websites, tis amazing wot people r giving away for free. Keeping / selling ghe bike is a tough ine, as when ur down, really down, im sure its 1 way of gerring rid of the stress however by selling it you have some ready cash for deposits on flat n cash for buying stuff you will need. As said before eating out is cheap n so is shopping at aldi / lidl places like that. I dont know you mate, but trust me the good times r only over the horizon, just seems ur walking away from it at the mo, but you arent, be strong and it will rub off on your son and be a rock for him to as his gonna need ya, you can do your crying ( its ok, men cry to, its nowt to be ashamed of ) at home when ur alone but always remember it will get better. All the best mate
Like others have said do talk to people as it will drive you mad otherwise, also get you self down to the council and see what they can do accommodation wise and see citizens advice about your finance situation. Hope all goes well you'll be surprised who will help you when asked
You lot are f**c***g awesome! I am so glad I posted, thank you so much for posting, all these different opinions are brilliant. Thank you everyone! might be emotionally drained but still remembered me Asterix on me swear word eh?
Really sorry to hear about this fella. I know I would be truly devastated if something like this happened to me, so I really feel for ya buddy. All I can say is that your son is now the no. 1 priority. Do whatever you need to do to stay close to him and whatever enables him to see you as much as possible. Finances can be sorted later, and not nearly as scary as you might think. So get somewhere where he can come and stay with his Dad and go from there. If you need help with the finances later, try the CAB or the Money Advise Service for help and guidance on your options. Also try and talk to someone about this, because it's important to get help if you are struggling to come to terms with something like this. A friend, your GP, counselling service - just make sure you talk to SOMEONE. Good luck with it all buddy, I really hope it works out OK for you - hang in there!
Really sorry to hear about this Zippy. Listen to what Exfire and Firebloke have already said as its good advice. From someone who knows your words “pressure cooker” ring very true with me and I remember my ex-wife and I having to tell the kids like it was yesterday but try and remain calm or it will make you ill, I ended up having to take 6 months off work with mental and blood pressure problems. If she has made her mind up, concentrate on what’s important, your son, I have two boys and it was the only thing I was concerned about, and this should be your main focus above all else. I am not going to bullshit you, it’s going to be horrible and you will think the world is imploding but, it will get better I promise you. If you can move back in with your parents for a bit, yes, I know, I didn’t want to either but it was on reflection the best thing, they will be supportive and give you someone to talk to. I moved into a flat on my own to start with and all the worst possible thoughts went through my head. Forget your bike or any other toys you might have, they can all be replaced and trust me they are not important. The only other advice I can give you is regardless of what your wife does and says do not under any circumstance slag her off in front of your son, remember she is his mother and you don’t want him to have to think he has to take sides, my ex tried to turn my boys against me but it didn’t work. Whilst I hate not living with them they have now become my best friends. Hang in there fella, there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is just her legal team with another demand, sooner or later you will come out the other side. Hang in there fella.
Great advice by all. Can't say this is something I have been through so all I can say is hope it gets better for you fella... No doubt in time it will and hope you and your son are ok mate.
Zip,I don't know you but I've read and enjoyed your posts over the time I've been a member of this forum. This happened to me around 13 years ago, a son of the same age and nothing obviously wrong with no-one else involved but things just wasn't right.I was proper skint and so I moved back to my Mums for a while(Bless her) which meant I had a stable place with a spare room so I could still see my Son and also so could my Mum - he was happy enough with the situation and even though the travelling was a pain for work and picking him up and dropping him off ( all on her terms) I did it and it did work. It took quite a while but once the shock and the changes sank in I relaxed with my situation and things started to look up. It does take time but make your own decisions and don't be rushed into moving out or promising too much - you may have to be a little ruthless with what you agree to but it takes two to make and break a family. Keep your chin up fella - best of luck
