Anybody divorced recently ?

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by megawatt, May 4, 2013.

  1. megawatt

    megawatt Well-Known Member

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    My wife of 23 years is leaving me in about 3 weeks. She's taking my 18 and 15 year old girls, all my severance money and I am having to remortgage our house to pay towards HER house. She says I can keep my pension and the house! We have agreed these terms and I can see the girls any time THEY want to see me. We have agreed maintenance costs .
    Just wondering what I should do,should I hire a solicitor at £220/hour or use a .gov.UK scheme, https://www.gov.uk/divorce/overview, where I just fill in forms and don't need a solicitor or a court visit.
    I am terrible with forms and financial stuff. I don't wanna get ripped off with a massive legal bill, but I want to make sure she can't keep coming back for more money and possibly my house.
    I still love her and of course the girls, but she is sick of my bad temper and tantrums. No violence, just shouting.
     
  2. ColinBR

    ColinBR God Like

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    So sorry to hear this Allan.
     
  3. martinowen

    martinowen Moderator
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    I'm no help with advice but just wanted to say sorry to hear such bad news.
    I hope things go smoothly and as painless as possible
     
  4. sinewave

    sinewave God Like

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    I'm on my second (and current) Wife! :p

    Kids and maintenance are usually the Killers.

    You're obliged to pay maintenance for any Kids up to 18 or up to 23 or so if they stay in Full Time education, University etc.

    There is a Government portal to give you a good idea of how much you should be paying.

    https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

    Getting to keep ya Pension is ACE and so is keeping the house even if you have to get in to more debt to set her up.

    If you've preliminary agreed figures which you are happy with then just get a Solicitor to give it all the once over and make sure it's watertight and future proof.

    Make sure any deal is signed under a 'Clean Break' settlement and get Divorced including the Decree absolute ASAP.

    Solicitors only cost mega bucks if both parties Bicker whilst the respective Solicitors fire pointless and un-productive letters at each other.
     
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  5. exfire

    exfire Elite Member

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    Sorry to hear your news Megawatt, I have been there in the past and it is not a good place to be.My divorce was a long time ago but I would very strongly advise getting advice from an experienced matrimonial solicitor. Unless the law has changed in recent years, agreements between couples about who gets what etc can mean very little if either party decide to take the other one to court.

    In my case, I was concerned about my ex claiming my pension later on, we came to an agreement that she would not make any claim if I gave her x and y. I went and saw a solicitor about it and he said she could make a claim on my pension even though she had put it in writing that she would not. He said it was a matter only the courts could determine and that she could make a claim regardless of any incentives I had given her.

    Things do change, but it is well worth the money to get decent legal advice. He even said a court could decide to make me pay for the child I thought was mine that proved not to be mine.

    Keep strong and focussed, the past is the past, you need to secure your future now and that includes your finances. Been through it twice, I know it's hard but you must look after your own interests.

    All the best Nige
     
  6. Doodles

    Doodles Active Member

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    Where did you get the age of 23 from?

    I currently pay for kids through the CSA and if the kids stay in full time education then they are paid up to age 19.

    My middle lad has just gone onto university and my payments stopped as soon as he hit 19, that was just a few months ago.

    I would be interested to know where you got the information from stating its 23?

    Cheers
     
  7. Givover

    Givover God Like

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    Again very sorry to see you go through this especially as the main ingredients for a happy marriage are their .Pity you can't get your shit together because after all those years and the fact that you love her must count for something . With you retiring last year you should be reaping the benefit of all the years of struggle and hard work . Sorry I can't advise on modern practice as I ended mine 20 years ago and although it was the divorce from hell I soon got over it and me getting custody of the kids would give you an idea of the hassles you will hopefully bypass .If its got to happen then 1st thing is your health (stress) if you have strong health and you can live well even downsizing then you have come out of it ok .Me I give the C**t the lot ..House ..Car ..Contents of House .Endowment everything and would do the same again .good luck dude .And remember if it gets nasty ..it will cost you!
     
  8. Freedom of choice

    Freedom of choice Elite Member

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    Jesus Allan, Mine was about seven years ago now but is still as raw as it was at the time. Unfortunately Sinewave and Exfire are right you must get proper legal advice, anything you both agree might not hold up in court if she came back later for another bite at the cherry. Clean break being the key to it being a full and final stopper. On reflection I caved in against my solicitor’s advice far too early and gave her far more (everything) than I needed too, but when the horrible letters are ping ponging back and forth, each one worse than the last, always with an open question or untruth meaning further letters to rebuke the previous one are needed, legal bills going up faster than a blades rev counter you just what to get off the roller coaster. In my experience the solicitors are a necessary evil but in my case it was made far worse than it needed to be, but seeing as she is now married to her then boyfriend and him being a lawyer and member of the bar council what did I expect. All I wanted to do was make sure the children were not torn to pieces in the middle when they get used as weapons, and they will, the only way to do that was to give in.

    Paying for the children is a given and something I have never minded doing, what I do mind, is every year having to go through the process of proving what I earn, like I am trying to stop my kids having what they are entitled to when in practice I give far more than I legally have to.

    Good luck, it’s going to be rough and there is no point in trying to sugar coat it, but hang in there, I promise you there will be light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s only your solicitor with a torch and another huge bill.

    One more thing to be aware of for the future, things will get better, but when you least expect it something will happen that will take you right back. It could be a record on the radio, something someone says, could be anything really. You need to learn to handle it, and when you have, let me know your secret because it gets me every time.

    I wouldn’t wish this shit on my worst enemy, not even my boss!

    Chin up and if you need to talk to someone who understands and wont judge don't hesitate to pm me and I will give you my number.
     
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  9. phantom

    phantom Active Member

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    wow why did no one warn me these things could cost so much,
    not saying I plan a divorce anytime soon but didnt know you lose
    your pension...how are you meant to live when you retire.

    good luck with your situation
     
  10. rocket

    rocket Active Member

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    sorry to hear this buddy. hope it all works out in the future. :(
     
  11. 1000rr73

    1000rr73 Active Member

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    Man, sorry to hear this megawatt. I dont know what the F is going on but this is happening at an alarming rate to nearly everybody I know. Here's hoping you come out good.
     
  12. Only1Matrixxx

    Only1Matrixxx Active Member

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    Sorry to hear this. Keep your chin up, mate!!
     
  13. megawatt

    megawatt Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for all the kind words and advice everybody. I will be PMing and hopefully chatting to you when there is no one else in the house. This cam outta the blue three weeks ago, April 8th ,the worst day of my life. I begged her to stay and said I would do everything she asked if she didn't leave me. There was a chance for about 10 days and then at the second relate session, she said no chance of a reconciliation. She had it all worked out and is moving into the house that I paid for in two weeks. Still, if we can make a binding agreement and get it overwith asap, I get to keep my pension and my house , for a while.
     
  14. And7rp2

    And7rp2 Elite Member

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    Any solicitors won't let her sign any agreement about pensions because they know they are not worth the paper they are written on, I'm sorry but it's fact if she decides when you draw your pension then she can still make a claim to 23 yrs of it!
    My ex lunatic is entitled to 12yrs of mine even tho when we split she got the house and she verbally agreed not to touch the pension !!
    The csa at the time of mine was 15% of nett to bank ( regardless of any bills etc ) and 5% for each child there after, but each night they spend with you knocks 1/7 th of her claim.
    We worked it out on my wages ignoring the two nights he spends with me plus £20 savings for him an she hasn't bitched
    once or gone to the csa this is to be paid till he's 18 or 19 if he goes to uni.
    I kept the bickering with sols to a minimum but still cost £1200 which compared to some I know is cheap !
    Sorry to hear your about to go thru it, an sorry to be pessimistic but it will get worse before it gets better , it eventually does :)
    Most of all make sure you don't use the girls as pawns coz she will so don't lower your self to her level .......always remember women are snakes with tits ! ( sorry girls but u can get real nasty when u need to )
    Anyway hope this gives some info
     
  15. Bikeracer1098

    Bikeracer1098 Active Member

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    Hi Allan
    Sorry to hear.
    After spending in excess of £120,000 on legal fees (solicitors and barristers) over a period of around 18months, I probably picked up more knowledge than most solicitors.
    Drop me a PM if you need any advice.
    I can also have a chat with you over the telephone sometime.
    The best advice I can give you is to try and agree amicably outside the courtroom with the ex.
    Minimise your use of solicitors.
    There is no black & white when it comes to divorce in this country, its down to the Judge to decide.
    If people tell you otherwise they are talking bull!!
    With regards to maintenance cost for kids 15% for first child, 20% for 2 children.
    Depending on circumstances you shouldn't have to pay spousal maintenance, unless your ex cant work etc for a particular reason.
    Best of luck with it all
    Kind Regards
    Richard
     
    #15 Bikeracer1098, May 5, 2013
    Last edited: May 5, 2013
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  16. megawatt

    megawatt Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for the sympathy and advice guys. I'll be PMing my number for a chat, when there's only me in the house , as I don't wanna upset my youngest.
     
  17. lambeth longshanks

    lambeth longshanks Active Member

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    I talk a load of rubbish on this forum.

    On a serious note though, if I get into your position I'd be straight on the phone to Freedom Of Choice. He's a diamond. Intelligent, sensitive, honest, straight-talking. And he's got the stripes.

    Get on the phone sharpish, Mega. Loneliness is corrosive.
     
  18. steve b

    steve b Active Member

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    hi mate sorry to hear this news aint been there myself and hope i never will,hope it works out a well as possible for you, try and stay positive and like lambeth says dont suffer alone
     
  19. megawatt

    megawatt Well-Known Member

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    Thanks mate. Had a long chat with Freedom of Choice today. It does help to share.Thanks David.
     
  20. Dave V

    Dave V Elite Member

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    Sorry to here your sad news Megs, went through it in 2009 so understand what your going through. Like your situation, it was my wife's decision not mine.

    I can only add my own experience to the advice others have given, not that I'm legally qualified in the subject. Long story short, we never divorced but legally separated splitting our assets. Legal separation isn't binding, more a statement of fact, so a huge risk. On the plus, divorce has to be for a reason, someone has admit wrong, that's where it gets messy. After two years separation, it's different, the divorce is a lot simpler, or at least that how it was four years ago.

    Regardless of what you and your wife agree the divorce court will decide, they can chose to ignore your wishes.

    Thankfully during our separation my wife came to her senses and four years on we're still married and living back together. Ok I'm still paying for it all, but fcuk it, it's only money.

    If you fancy a chat, PM me and I'll send you my number.

    Take care, stay of the juice and make sure you eat properly. Watch out of all the two faced fckers around you that will be more than happy to talk but then gossip behind your back.
     
    #20 Dave V, May 8, 2013
    Last edited: May 8, 2013
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