The Philippine floods are getting worse. A Manila lady being interviewed on Sky TV ,has just said that water is now up to her bollocks.
I was telling Dave how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time & ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother. "Oh s**t, so you could be your own father then?" he asked "Well not really, I only went back two days"
Missus had a major sad on this morning as apparently her jeans didn't fit and she was worried her dodgy thyroid had pushed her above size 12. Then she realised the label in the jeans said age 12, she had picked up the eldest's jean by mistake
In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing. We were having a laugh about this, when this big bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits." I said "Sorry mate. Did he drown?" "No," he said, "he choked on a sock."
I've got my new mobile phone, it's fantastic! State of the art Malaysian electronic engineering! Problem is I switched it into airplane mode last night, now I can't f*cking find it!
I woke up in hospital after a bad accident with a gorgeous nurse standing over me, she said "you may not feel anything from the waist down" i said " can i feel your tits then ?"
A woman was arrested for attacking her husband with his guitars. The judge asks "First offender?" And the woman says "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender"
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won ten grand with Claims Direct It's Raining, It's Pouring Of course...it's Global Warming. Jack and Jill went into town To fetch some chips and sweeties. Now he can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its arse And turned its wool to nylon. Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie Kissed the girls and made them cry.. When the boys came out to play He kissed them too cause he was gay. Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass And grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing. Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white and wispy. Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy.
I said to my lovely wife "what have I and Santa got in common?" "why I don't know" she replied "We both come once a year and fill your stockings ya tight cow"!
I went swimming yesterday. Whilst having a good old slash in the water, like you do. Then the life guard starting screaming at me...... It made me jump so much that I nearly fell in the pool.